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Are We dating The Same Guy?

There's a Facebook group in every city across the country, hell maybe even the world. A safe place for women to come together and post about a man they want to date, have dated or have a warning about.


What's the tea???


Any red flags ๐Ÿšฉ๐Ÿšฉ๐Ÿšฉ๐Ÿšฉ ???



I'm not here to dish tea about the group I'm in at all. I'm here because I only joined the group due to word vomiting about my terrible dating life to a friend and his girlfriend. SHE told me about the group and I joined initially because I wanted to warn LA women about the excruciating experience I endured on and off dating a man who destroyed my mental health.


I'm not here to dish about him, that's another story for another book ;),


BUT, I found myself reading so many experiences of THE SAME kind of dude. The red flags women ask about... RED FLAGS. Literal HUGE WAVING FLAGS. Like HELLOOOOO!?!??


I read questions from women asking if a guy ghosts them... should she reach out... SIGH.



Listen I know we're all on our own journeys of self-love and I know we're all supposed to be non judgemental... but I gotta say, I'm not judging women, I'm judging this entire system when I read these kind of questions over and over again.


Like of course YOU DO NOT REACH OUT. Why?!? Why do you need to know why someone ghosted you. Literally ghosted, meaning they didn't value you enough to even respond to a message that takes two seconds to do... ZZZZZ I mean sleeper here really.


I then read questions from women asking if a guy asks to text on different apps only, or restricts you on instagram... what does this mean... UHHHHHH



They get painfully more difficult to read after you know exactly why men do these things ๐Ÿ˜‚


But it's even more painful that numerous women, I mean hundreds, will ask the same things... and the most common assessment I can make for us as women is that WE ARE STILL GIVING MEN EXCUSES to NOT ACT LIKE A GROWN MAN....


The games, the player mentality... this is toxic patriarchy at its best....


And I'm not here to make fun of us women because I was every single one of those women asking those questions. I was on tik tok learning about narcissistic abuse. I learned that I was involved with an abusive personality because of asking other women if such and such was normal etc....


I love this group and I think it's doing very positive things, but it also shows us where women are today in this society in terms

of not only dating, but in retrospect, society in general, our own spirits, ours stories,


and of course...what we mean to men of this modern society that so many of us have had the same experience and worse.


Are we shifting the narrative at least??



We are not out of the toxic patriarchal paradigm, we are making progress yes, in many ways we are. We are certainly shifting the narrative though, and it's apparent that it's very uncomfortable for this toxic patriarchal structure.


Although we are shifting the narrative, we are still not out of it.


It does appear that many women nowadays are choosing to be alone because WE ARE TIRED of having to raise grown men.



We are tired of being treated like property, we are tired of feeling like we are replaceable and nothing special when a guy gets bored of us because he was using us to fill an emptiness from a human instead of focusing on his own healing....which is a narrative in of itself, men need to also heal from this toxic patriarchy because it is effecting them negatively as well!!


Love bombing?!?!


I'm certainly tired of being love bombed by insecure men and then made to feel like I'm not good enough the way I am to actually date date.


self-love is the key!!


Im not too this or too that, and neither are you. You are perfect the way you are and that is where the journey of self-love takes women.



Self-love takes us to a new level of life that a lot of toxic men do not want us at. The healthy men do want us here, but that's the journey for most of us women because we are socially constructed to serve and put our own needs aside for the children, for the family, to be caretakers of everyone, and put ourselves second....


This is where we need to keep Lifting eachother up and talking to one another. This group is the prime example of sisterhood and in this society where women are afraid to be out at night alone, walk alone, do anything alone without the fear of violence from men... we need this.



I know im taking a risk by posting this, and if I get kicked out of the group at least I'd have been able to see such a beautiful idea come to fruition and help other women potentially be saved from predators and abusive men.


Here's to all the women brave enough to speak up and ask questions!! Keep doing that and I hope that group stays thriving and helps women avoid dangerous men and exposes men also!!


Love,


Malia Arrayah




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